Guarding the Heart in Marriage

 

Second Samuel 6 gives us one of the saddest pictures of a marriage that began with love but eventually became filled with contempt. Michal, the daughter of Saul, once loved David deeply. She risked her own safety to protect him, helped him escape from her father, and endured years of separation from him. Yet when we come to Second Samuel 6, we read that she looked upon David and “despised him in her heart.”

That change did not happen in a single moment. Love was not suddenly replaced by hatred without a process. Something had been happening in Michal’s heart for some time. She had allowed contempt, criticism, disappointment, and resentment to grow until the man she once loved became a man she despised.

That is the warning we must take seriously. Love can be neglected. Affection can be poisoned. A husband or wife can slowly build a case against a spouse until tenderness is replaced by bitterness. If we are going to protect our homes, we must learn to guard our hearts.

Michal Truly Loved David

We should not imagine that Michal’s love for David was insignificant or superficial.

First Samuel 18 tells us plainly, more than once, that Michal loved David. At that time David had become one of the most celebrated men in Israel. He had defeated Goliath, risen to prominence as a military leader, served Saul as a musician, and gained the affection of the people.

Saul, however, feared David. He understood that the Lord was with him, and he increasingly viewed David as a threat to his throne.

Saul therefore attempted to use his own daughters as instruments in his schemes against David. At first he promised his older daughter Merab to David, hoping that David would be killed fighting the Philistines. When that scheme failed, Saul discovered that Michal loved David and decided to use her as another snare.

He required David to kill Philistine warriors as the price for becoming the king’s son-in-law, expecting David to die in the attempt. Instead, David succeeded beyond what Saul had demanded, and Michal became his wife.

Saul’s plan failed because the Lord was with David.

Michal Risked Much for Her Husband

Michal’s love became even more obvious when Saul openly sought David’s life.

When Saul sent men to watch David’s house and kill him, Michal warned her husband that if he did not escape that night, he would be dead by morning. She helped David flee through a window, placed an image in the bed to deceive Saul’s messengers, and attempted to delay those who came to arrest him.

Whatever else may be said about Michal, she was willing at that point to risk the anger of her own father in order to save her husband.

She loved David enough to endure separation from him.

Yet Saul continued manipulating his daughter. While David was fleeing for his life, Saul gave Michal to another man, Palti. This was a grievous wrong against David and against Michal herself.

Years later, when political circumstances began changing and the kingdom was being transferred to David, David demanded that Michal be returned to him. Whatever other considerations may have been involved, there was surely a personal one: she was his wife, and he wanted her restored.

After all the intrigue, danger, separation, political conflict, and suffering, David and Michal were reunited.

We might expect the story to end happily.

It did not.

She Despised Him in Her Heart

Second Samuel 6 records the return of the ark of the Lord to Jerusalem. David rejoiced greatly. He laid aside his royal garments, wore a simple linen ephod, and celebrated before the Lord.

Michal watched him from a window.

Then Scripture says, “she despised him in her heart.”

That word despised is strong. It means that she regarded him with contempt. She considered him beneath her respect. The man she had once admired had become, in her mind, contemptible.

Notice where the problem began: in her heart.

The biblical use of the heart includes the mind, understanding, reasoning, thoughts, and inner disposition. Scripture speaks of the thoughts of the heart, of men speaking in their hearts, and of hearts that either receive or reject instruction.

Therefore, when Scripture says that Michal despised David in her heart, it tells us that something had happened in her thinking.

She had built a case against him in her mind.

That is where many marriages begin to break down.

Guard What You Think About Your Spouse

We must understand the tremendous difference between facts and our interpretation of facts.

Two people can witness the same event and interpret it completely differently. Once we become disappointed or angry with someone, we begin interpreting nearly everything he does through that disappointment.

A husband comes home late. Perhaps there is a reasonable explanation. But if his wife has already built a case against him in her mind, she interprets his lateness as proof that he does not care.

A wife says something carelessly. Her husband may interpret it not merely as a careless statement but as evidence that she does not respect him.

Then the process continues.

We remember every offense. We reinterpret past events. We emphasize every fault and minimize every virtue. We gather evidence in our minds until we believe we have an overwhelming case proving that the person we married is nearly unbearable.

People generally do not wake up one morning after twenty years of marriage and suddenly decide they hate each other.

They build toward it.

Bitterness is cultivated. Contempt is rehearsed. Criticism becomes habitual.

That appears to have happened with Michal.

Michal Saw Humility and Interpreted It as Shame

What finally brought Michal’s contempt into the open was David’s celebration before the Lord.

David had laid aside his royal robes. In the presence of God, he was not emphasizing his position as king. He was humbling himself.

Michal interpreted that humility as disgrace.

When David returned to bless his household, she met him with sarcasm. She mocked him for supposedly uncovering himself before the servants and behaving in a manner she considered beneath a king.

David answered that he had been celebrating before the Lord.

The very thing Michal considered humiliating, David considered worship.

This demonstrates again how powerful interpretation can become.

She saw David’s actions, but she did not interpret them charitably. She assumed the worst. She belittled and ridiculed him instead of seeking to understand his heart.

Husbands and wives can do exactly the same thing.

Once contempt enters the relationship, nearly everything the other person does becomes evidence for the case we have already decided to prosecute.

Husbands and Wives Have Responsibilities Before God

Scripture gives responsibilities to both husband and wife.

The husband is commanded to love his wife. Ephesians 5 compares that love to Christ’s love for the church. A husband therefore has no biblical permission to become cold, cruel, bitter, or self-centered toward his wife.

Colossians 3 specifically tells husbands, “Love your wives, and be not bitter against them.”

The wife likewise has responsibilities before God. She is commanded to respect and honor her husband and to recognize the position God has given him in the home.

This means that both husband and wife must guard the heart.

A wife must guard against contempt.

A husband must guard against bitterness.

Both must guard against building a mental case that justifies withholding love.

Marriage cannot survive indefinitely when two people continually attack one another’s character.

Love Is More Than an Emotion

One of the most important truths we can learn is that biblical love is not merely an emotion.

Emotions are connected with love, and we should be thankful for them. But if love were nothing more than a feeling, Scripture could hardly command us to love.

God commands husbands to love their wives. He commands His people to love one another. Therefore, love must involve the will.

We choose to act lovingly.

We choose to think charitably.

We choose to forgive.

We choose to refuse bitterness.

We choose to remember what is good rather than continually rehearsing what is wrong.

Feelings often follow the direction of the mind and will.

If you spend every day thinking about everything you dislike about your spouse, do not be surprised when your affection grows weaker.

If instead you deliberately remember the qualities for which you were once thankful, affection can be strengthened.

There Is No Perfect Husband or Wife

Many marital problems grow from unrealistic expectations. There is no perfect husband. There is no perfect wife. Every person you could possibly marry is a sinner.

It is easy to look at someone else’s spouse from a distance and imagine that person would be easier to live with. But we usually see other people in limited circumstances. We do not see their weaknesses, irritating habits, selfish tendencies, struggles, and sins the way their spouses do.

The grass may appear greener on the other side, but there are weeds there too. Instead of constantly comparing our spouse to some imaginary ideal, we should learn gratitude for the person God has placed beside us. Your spouse has faults. So do you. That truth ought to create humility. Before becoming angry because your spouse is not everything you hoped he or she would be, remember that you are certainly not everything your spouse once imagined either. Marriage requires grace.

Refuse Bitterness and Resentment

Much bitterness develops because our spouse does not meet our expectations.

We expect a person to think as we think, react as we react, move at our speed, communicate according to our preferences, and value exactly what we value.

But God creates people differently.

A husband may be fast-moving and decisive while his wife is slower and more deliberate. A wife may be highly expressive while her husband is quieter. One may enjoy constant activity while the other prefers peace and routine.

Differences are not necessarily sins. We must distinguish between genuine biblical wrongdoing and simple differences in personality. If we attempt to remake our spouse according to our own personality, frustration will follow. That frustration can become resentment, and resentment can become contempt. Soon we are no longer loving the person God gave us. We are resenting him for failing to become the person we invented in our minds.

Think on What Is Worthy of Honor

We must train our minds to notice what is good in our spouses.

There is something in your husband or wife worthy of gratitude, admiration, appreciation, and respect.

Look for it.

Remember it.

Speak about it.

The principle that love covers a multitude of sins is extremely important in marriage. That does not mean pretending serious sin does not exist. It means refusing to make every weakness, mistake, personality difference, or irritating habit into a major offense.

If you continually magnify faults, eventually the faults will become nearly all you can see.

Michal once saw enough in David to risk her life for him.

Eventually she looked at the same man and saw someone she despised.

The great change had taken place in her heart.

Keep Your Heart With All Diligence

Our homes require constant spiritual attention.

We must refuse to belittle one another. We must not use sarcasm as a weapon. We must not continually rehearse old offenses, interpret every action negatively, or keep records of wrongs so that we can justify our resentment.

Instead, husbands and wives must love, honor, respect, forgive, and think charitably toward one another.

The warning of Michal is serious. A love that once appeared strong can be poisoned when the heart is neglected. Contempt can destroy affection, communication, intimacy, and eventually the home itself.

So keep your heart.

Guard your mind.

Do not build cases against each other.

Remember the good. Extend grace over faults. Refuse bitterness. Honor your covenant. And above all, bring your marriage continually under the authority of God’s Word.

If we do not guard the heart, love can slowly become hate.

But by the grace of God, we can instead cultivate love, respect, gratitude, and faithfulness toward the one He has given us.